then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
