Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
