in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
