he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
