When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
