Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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