i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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