It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
