I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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