Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
