Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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