I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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