My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
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