Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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