I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
