So drunk its hurt
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
