just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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