omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
