I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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