I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
