Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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