They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize