I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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