chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
