I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
either way he was missing a nipple.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
