she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
zippers are such a cool invention
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
