I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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