You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
