I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
