I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My dick has a subreddit
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
