allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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