You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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