I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
