I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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