so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
