For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
