I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
