if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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