i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
