Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
