Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
