I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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