i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
