I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
