Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
