You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
