I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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