just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
