Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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