im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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