So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
